Michelob Ultra

Name: Michelob Ultra
Style: American Adjunct Lager (Light)
Owner: AB-InBev
Slogan: "Lose the carbs. Not the taste."

BeerAdvocate Rating: 46 (Awful)
RateBeer Rating: N/A, 0
ABV: 4.2%

Michelob has always been A-B's "superpremium" line, and a few years ago, it was spun off into it's own little corner, presumably so that it wouldn't be associated with A-B's other swill.  Their new site looks like a craft-brew site, but something is missing... ahh, it's Michelob Ultra.  I think that the folks at Michelob are trying to distance themselves from this brew.

---

I have six pack abs, but they don't look like those.

---

Michelob Ultra was created during the low-carb craze of the late 2000s, catering to anorexic women and body building men.  Essentially it's a plain 'ol light beer, it's specs being more or less equal to Bud Light, but with a much nicer label.  Supposedly this allows you to drink something that resembles beer without developing something that resembles a beer belly.  

To be fair, I'm not a big fan of this style, but I will try to give this a fair shake because I do find regular Michelob to be a decent beer.  Light beers, and low-carb beers in general sacrifice not only alcohol and body in their quest to reduce calories, but for some reason they leave out any semblance of flavor too, I guess hops add too many calories.

Serving:
Aggressively poured from a 25oz can into a Wine Enthusiast Steady-Temp Double Wall Beer Glass. The glass had the urge to go to the gym.

Appearance:
I've never seen a beer with this color before.  Saying that it's "pale" is a vast understatement.  It's the color of dead, bleached grass - there's only the very slightest bit of color in the glass.

Smell:
Smells like fresh air with a very faint hint of banana.

Taste:
It tastes like Perrier poured through wet corn.  The banana detected in the nose carries through in the finish.

Mouthfeel:
Very, very light.  The medium carbonation is the most specific thing that can be said about the mouthfeel; there's really nothing else that could be described about it.

Overall:
This beer isn't fucking close to water... it is water.  I suppose if you're an anorexic figure skater and you don't want to be seen drinking fruity cocktails this would be acceptable.  If it's 100+ outside and you want something you can chug right down, it could be used for that too.  However, if you want a beer that tastes like beer, I recommend you skip this one.  Just pick up a Pelligrino water and be done with it.

On second thought, this is probably cheaper than Pelligrino...

Bud Light Platinum

Name: Bud Light Platinum
Style: American Adjunct Lager (Light)
Owner: AB-InBev
Slogan: "#makeitplatinum"

BeerAdvocate Rating: 54 (Awful)
RateBeer Rating: 1, 18
ABV: 6%

Supposedly a "bolder" version of Bud Light, Platinum doesn't seem to fit anywhere.  It's supposed to be a "Light" beer, but has a hefty 6% ABV and only 8 fewer calories than regular Budweiser.  With this potent alcohol content, I guess you could say that it could best be described as "Bud Light Malt Liquor," for those who wanna get crunk but are too discerning to be seen with a King Cobra in their hand.

---

  God I hate electronic music.

---

Let me say this right off the bat: the bottle is beautiful.  A deep, translucent cobalt blue bottle with minimalist labeling really makes Platinum stand out on the shelf.  I don't know who the guy was that designed the packaging, but he deserves a medal and a raise because he nailed this one.  Unfortunately, what they put inside the bottle is a little less exciting.

I'm not sure who the target demographic is for this product is, either.  The commercials I've seen so far look to be targeting the 20-somethings in clubs, since most of the ones I've seen feature young, hip folks and DJs.

There's not much interesting history behind this beer to give you because it's so new, so I guess I'd better just get on with the review.


Serving:
Aggressively poured from a 22oz bottle into a Wine Enthusiast Steady-Temp Double Wall Beer Glass.  The glass rolled its eyes and mumbled "not again..."

Appearance:
Pours a pale straw color with a fizzy head that left the tiniest bit of soapy lacing in the glass.

Smell:
No malt or hops that I can detect.  Smells like sugar and alcohol, with a fusel undertone.

Taste:
Tastes like Bud Light with a hair more flavor, almost all of the increase being sugar, with a distinct alcohol undertone.  Just a kiss of pale malt and sugar - like right out of the bag sugar.

Mouthfeel:
Watery with the slightest bit of slickness on the finish.

Overall:
This is another one of those "alcohol delivery mechanism" beers.  There's nothing about it that makes it stand out from a regular American Macro aside from the sweetness and the increased alcohol content.  It's bland and tasteless, which is evidently what a lot of people like when it comes to beer.   I wouldn't really recommend it, but it's not a drain pour which makes it infinitely better than Coors.

My suggestion for a new slogan would be: "Bud Light Platinum: It'll get you drunk and at least it's not Coors."

Busch

Name: Busch
Style: American Adjunct Lager
Owner: AB-InBev
Slogan: "Clear and Bright as Mountain Air."

BeerAdvocate Rating: 49 (Awful)
RateBeer Rating: 0, 1
ABV: 4.6%

First brewed in 1955, Busch was the low-buck beer from A-B, being the one they made for those not classy enough for Budweiser.  Around here in L.A., it's relegated to the tallboy section of the coolers next to the malt liquors and it's unavailable in 12 packs, etc.  The one I have is in a throwback 25oz. can, harkening back to a time when cars still had tailfins.  Based on my experience, Busch is just Budweiser that uses corn instead of rice as its adjunct.

---

  Brokeback Beer...

---

The can is emblazoned with:

"Introduced as Busch Bavarian in 1955, Busch has grown from a regional brand to a national favorite.  Described then as "clean, clear and refreshing as mountain air," the quality has never wavered and continues to this day. "I hope you'll try it.  I know you'll like it!" August A. Busch, Jr., 1955"

Now Busch isn't the kind of beer you drink when you're looking for any particular flavor and certainly not one that you'd want your friends to see you drinking.  The corn gives it more body than Budweiser and a little more flavor.  Not awesome, tastebud-popping flavor, but flavor nonetheless.  A-B goes out of its way to tell you how crisp and refreshing this beer is, and that cowboys absolutely love it.   Seriously... according to them if you have a horse and a fucking chuckwagon, you'd better be drinking Busch.  Otherwise, you might find yourself tied to a cactus and left for dead.

Serving:
Aggressively poured from a 25oz can into a Wine Enthusiast Steady-Temp Double Wall Beer Glass.  The glass had flashbacks of that one time it got lost in the desert.

Appearance:
Pours a pale straw color with a fizzy head that ebbs quickly, leaving light lacing in the glass and a ring around the top of the liquid.

Smell:
Pale malt, water and straw with some CORN!  The nose is just like Budweiser with some CORN!  Did I mention you can smell the corn?

Taste:
The taste is just a regular corn-based adjunct lager, with less hop presence than, say, PBR.  It's somewhere between a regular and a light beer and it really doesn't fit in either category.  Little hop presence.

Mouthfeel:
Very light for a "regular" beer, fizzy carbonation and no linger in the finish.

Overall:
Busch is a quintessential lawnmower beer.  On a hot day, it's as refreshing as water and is surprisingly inoffensive considering its format and price point.  One thing to note is that it only has 4 calories more per can than Bud Light, and ten times the flavor.  If you're drinking Bud Light for the calories, give Busch a try.  It's not terrible.  I must admit I keep a few cans of this in the beer fridge to drink when I normally would have a soda.  I stop far short of recommending it, but if you're stuck and need an alcohol delivery mechanism, it's one of the better cheap ones.

Pabst Blue Ribbon (PBR)

Name: Pabst Blue Ribbon
Style: American Adjunct Lager
Owner: Pabst

BeerAdvocate Rating: 68 (Poor)
RateBeer Rating: 2,19
ABV: 4.74%

"This is the ORIGINAL Pabst Blue Ribbon Beer.  Nature's choicest products provide its prized flavor.  Only the finest of hops and grains are used.  Selected as America's Best in 1893."

Pabst has been brewing this beer since 1844, beginning in Milwaukee but this is not the one that made it famous.  

Lauded by hipsters, hillbillies and Dennis Hopper, PBR is experiencing a resurgence in popularity in the new millennium.   PBR is brewed under contract by MillerCoors since Pabst no longer has any breweries of its own.  For years it was held as the quintessential "blue-collar" beer, found wherever particular people really didn't congregate.  I'm convinced that one really should be sporting a trucker hat while drinking PBR, whether you wear it as honest attire or ironically.

---

Heineken!? Fuck that shit! PABST. BLUE. RIBBON!!!

---

PBR is definitely a value brand.  It is a corn-heavy adjunct lager that is cheap to produce and consume.  Its full body and inoffensive taste make it a good "lawnmower" beer when funds are low.

Serving:
Aggressively poured from a 25oz can into a Wine Enthusiast Steady-Temp Double Wall Beer Glass.  The glass relived its college days.

Appearance:
Pours a solid straw color with a fizzy white head that disappears without a trace, sort of like a ninja.  It sounds like a soda when poured into a glass.

Smell:
Very pale malt and cooked vegetables.  Hints of grass and the slightest bit of alcohol.  Nothing too off about it.

Taste:
Once again, the pale malt presents itself, with a substantial dose of corn.  The vegetal presence is presented here as it is on the nose, but it falls far short of offensive.  The slightest touch of generic hops balances out the beer so that it is neither sweet nor bitter.

Mouthfeel:
Very light for a "regular" beer, lots of carbonation and slightly astringent on the finish.

Overall:
For the price, you really can't complain.  Despite the vegetal smell and taste, it goes down fairly easy and doesn't leave any lingering disappointment in its flavor.  However, many a person will report lingering disappointment with the events that came after drinking too much of the red, white and blue.  I stop short of recommending this as a daily drinker or something to seek out, but you could make far worse choices.

But if you're ever at a party with Scuzz Twittly, listen for the Telecaster and just be careful, because he's rather protective of his cheap beer.

Coors "Banquet"

Name: Coors "Banquet" Beer
Style: American Adjunct Lager
Owner: MillerCoors

BeerAdvocate Rating: 61 (Poor)
RateBeer Rating: 1,9
ABV: 5%

"Brewed in Golden, Colorado with 100% Rocky Mountain Water for a Legendary Taste."

Legendary my ass.  Coors Beer was founded in 1873 by Adolph Coors and one of his buddies after they bought a recipe from some huckster that claimed to have been in Czechoslovakia at one point.  Supposedly this recipe was for a Pilsner, but they should have sued that bastard because that's not what they got.

---

It's no downstream beer, that's for fucking sure.

---

Over the years, Coors experienced a big slide from its peak of popularity.  Now it's kind of a niche beer with its own small but loyal following.

In the new century, Coors added the word "Banquet" to the name of the beer to bring back some of the nostalgia and hopefully play off it for an increase in sales, but so far it hasn't really worked all that well.  Even with the retro packaging, it's the same 'ol crap inside and people still aren't buying it.

Alright, here we go...

Serving:
Aggressively poured from a 25oz can into a Wine Enthusiast Steady-Temp Double Wall Beer Glass.

The glass gritted its tiny teeth.

Appearance:
Pours a clear light gold.  It has a one-finger head that it doesn't maintain for very long, leaving a the tiniest bit of lacing.  That's about all one can say about it.

Smell:
Fucking terrible.  Smells like rancid sugar water and wet dog, no discernible character to it at all.  None.

Taste:
If you can get past the smell, the taste starts with sweet corn adjunct and progresses through sickeningly sweet to a sticky dirty-underwear sort of aftertaste.  The flavor clings to the mouth and doesn't go away.

Mouthfeel:
More body that it's competitors, but I'm not sure that's an advantage in this situation.  I just want to be rid of the flavor, but it won't leave.

Overall:
I can't believe that Burt Reynolds and Jerry Reid would risk movie arrest to transport this retch.  It starts off merely bad but time and temperature do it no favors at all.  I'm staring at this can aghast of the contents; there should be a warning label on it somewhere.  Seriously, I'd rather drink Colt 45 or heaven forbid... Bud Light than this.

Avoid at all costs.

Update:  This is the first review of a beer where I couldn't get through it.  I used it as a drain cleaner.

Miller Lite

Name: Miller Lite
Style: American Adjunct Lager
Owner: MillerCoors
Slogan: "Tastes great, less filling"

BeerAdvocate Rating: 53 (Awful)
RateBeer Rating: 0, 2
ABV: 4.2%


Miller Lite (or sometimes just "Lite") was originally developed in 1967 by a biochemist named Joseph Owades, ultimately making him responsible for the entire light beer category, that bastard.

When first released, it was called "Gablinger's Diet Beer" and to no one's surprise that name really didn't catch on.  The recipe was given to the Meister Brau folks and did a little bit better when it was re-released as "Meister Brau Lite."  On down the line, Meister Brau was bought out by Miller who renamed it "Lite Beer from Miller" which in turn changed to plain 'ol "Miller Lite."

---

Nothing like drunks arguing over something inconsequential, eh?

---

The can proclaims:

"Inside is a Pilsner beer brewed with the finest quality ingredients.  Because of a special brewing process Miller Lite gives you a light beer with more taste."

The author of that blurb should be drug out into the street and summarily shot.  Pilsner refers to a style of beer originating in the Bohemian city of Plzeň, in Czechoslovakia.  I've had a number of Bohemian Pilsners and a many German Pilsners, and they all have a particular set of characteristics.  I can also tell you that what's in this can has none of those characteristics.

*Sigh*... let's get on with it, I guess:

Serving:
Aggressively poured from a 25oz can into a Wine Enthusiast Steady-Temp Double Wall Beer Glass. The glass screamed into a pillow.

Appearance:
Pours crystal clear with a pale straw tinge.  It has a three-finger soapy head that lingered about as long as it took for me to walk into the office, leaving a bit of sticky lacing on the glass, but not in a good way.  It looks most like the scum left in the sink after the dish soap foam pops.

Smell:
The smell is of corn syrup and biscuity malt, a bit more of a presence than the other lights I've reviewed.  No hops are detected in the nose.

Taste:
It has a slightly sweet corny taste with that same "stale-crackers-and-gym-socks" aftertaste that Coors Light has, only less pronounced.  A faint taste of alcohol lingers.

Mouthfeel:
A little more body than I expected for a light beer.  Not a whole lot by any stretch, but more than its competitors.

Overall:
On the whole, this beer is merely bad.  It has all of the same bad qualities that Coors Light does, but it's a little toned down.  As such, it's not really a difference in kind but rather a matter of degree.  I'd take this over a Coors Light in much the same way that I'd choose a finger rather than a stick in the eye, and given the choice between the stick and the Miller Lite, I'd be inclined to go for the stick.

Save yourself the consternation and avoid this one too.

Coors Light

Name: Coors Light
Style: American Adjunct Lager
Owner: MillerCoors
Slogan: "The Silver Bullet"

BeerAdvocate Rating: 50 (Awful)
RateBeer Rating: 0, 1
ABV: 4.2%

Introduced in 1978, Coors Light was Golden's first foray into the light beer market.  In the 70s, Americans discovered what calories were, and soon after everything "lite" or "diet" was booming.  The Disco era was all about Tab Cola and light beer, because why drink sugary sodas and full-bodied beer when you spent all that effort getting skinny by doing massive lines of blow?

---

Doesn't that shit look fun?

---

Coors Light comes in a silver can with special paint on the label that let's you know if the beer inside is merely "Cold" or "Super Cold."  Based upon my tasting, I'm pretty sure that's because you really shouldn't let this beer warm at all because the flavors that come out really aren't something you'd
want to showcase.  The brand goes out of its way to target a youthful demographic, and I think that's a smart move.  The younger people most likely have less exposure to beer and thus have little to compare it with, and its "almost nothing" flavor profile is an easy transition from drinking bottled water, I suppose.

There's not much interesting to say about this particular dreck, so I guess on with the formal review...

Serving:
Aggressively poured from a 25oz can into a Wine Enthusiast Steady-Temp Double Wall Beer Glass. The glass flipped me off.

Appearance:
Pours very clear with the slightest hint of yellowish color.  It has a two-finger fizzy head that vanished almost immediately.  I had to take a sip and pour again in order to catch it in the picture.

Smell:
In a noteable contrast with Bud Light, it actually has a smell - it's very faint, but it's there.  Very pale malt with a hint of alcohol.  It's so faint that I actually stuck the tip of my nose in the liquid trying to get a sniff.

Taste:
As the Monty Python guys said, it's like sex in a canoe; fucking close to water.  What isn't fucking close to water is quite terrible.  No appreciable malt or hop presence and there is a distinct aftertaste of stale saltine crackers and gym socks.

Mouthfeel:
Thin, watery;  Nothing to write home about.

Overall:
I would say that when taken in totality, this beer is awful.  Epically awful.  If it were only bland and tasteless, I could get past it.  However, if you couple the bland tastelessness with the horrid aftertaste that only gets worse as the beer warms, then you get awful on a monstrous scale.

Avoid this if at all possible.  Please.  I'm begging you.